Last weekend, I went for a walk with a new friend. I thought we’d chat about light subjects: kids, jobs, or perhaps social events. Instead, within the first few minutes, he shared his feelings about a specific political issue. And we held very different perspectives.
At first, I was surprised. I considered our nascent friendship. Should I change the subject and pivot to something lighter? Should I assert my own beliefs?
I did neither. Instead, after a pause, I tried to understand more. As we walked, I asked him some questions and reflected on his responses.
- What experiences have shaped your beliefs?
- What information has influenced your thinking on this issue?
- How have you navigated your family relationships given your perspective?
I discovered that he had experienced several challenging events that influenced his views, and I validated how difficult his journey must have been. I appreciated that he had researched the topic extensively, and I explored some of the information he had found. I respected his commitment to carefully navigating his family’s complicated feelings and dynamics.
After asking genuine questions and listening carefully to his thoughts, I shared my own perspective, personal experiences, and research.
We were not aligned—and our past research had yielded different information. Should we stop at that point? Or could we find a way forward?
I suggested that we might share similar values and goals and that perhaps we could start there. We spent time thinking about those commonalities. As examples:
- We both want our family and friends to be safe.
- We both care deeply about other humans.
- We both want each person to feel validated and whole.
We next used those values and goals to map out several areas of agreement within the larger topic. We even planned potential next steps, which would include further exploring published research that was contradictory.
We did not solve the issue, nor are we likely to align completely. That being said, the conversation felt constructive. We both left the outing with curiosity, a willingness to explore further, and a more nuanced understanding of the other’s perspective. We also discovered that we have more in common than we might have initially assumed—and we found a path forward both for our budding friendship and our future discussions.
The learnings? Even when the way forward is hard, even when you experience road blocks, and even when the conversation seems doomed:
- Be genuinely curious
- Listen to truly understand
- Find shared values and goals
- Explore areas of agreement based on those values/goals
Ultimately, we can succeed only through partnership with others—when we join together, ensure productive and open dialogue, learn from each other, and appreciate each person’s full experience and humanity.