Having a tough conversation? Don’t forget to name the elephants in the room.
Yesterday I facilitated one of my favorite workshops: Navigating Tough Conversations.
As part of the learning, we explored how to notice and name the elephants.
What is considered an elephant? An elephant is anything present and unsaid (and often significant) that can negatively impact or upend a conversation.
My history with elephants started in social work school, where we used process recordings as a learning tool. The exercise included writing our thoughts on the left side of the paper and chronicling the dialogue on the right side. The goal was to use the left side to inform the right side—and ultimately to fuse the sides. That blending helped us consistently engage in honest, meaningful dialogue in each moment.
This practice can also improve how we navigate conflict. In these moments, we can:
- Have the real conversation (the content elephant). Speak aloud your thoughts that you may initially hesitate to share. If you voice your perspective and needs, you are much more likely to achieve a solution that incorporates your ideas and feels successful.
- Name the behavior you witness (the actions elephant). If someone is crying, or looking at their phone, or slinking down in their chair, they may be communicating that they are not able to effectively engage in problem-solving in the moment. When you see any behavior that may affect how you or the other person show up, ask kindly about it, and plan together how/if you will proceed at that moment. You may need a break—or time to process.
- Acknowledge your fears and emotions (the feelings elephant). If you are worried about the impact of the conversation, or if you are apprehensive about moving forward, share your concerns. That will help keep the conversation honest and build trust as you look to resolve the issue.
Many of us may be nervous about sharing our thoughts, feelings, and observations; that practice is certainly not the norm. Yet, leaving the left side of the page unspoken just makes the elephants larger—and we are less likely to be successful in the resolution.
On the flip side, when we notice and name that which is often unsaid, we are communicating that we care, that we want to genuinely connect, that we value honesty, and that we are committed to finding a successful and mutually beneficial outcome.