A few weeks ago, someone in my mutual learning group asked for my professional opinion about the curriculum. I felt pressured to respond, and I shared my raw thoughts—directly and without considering first how they might land. As soon as I spoke, I silently gulped. How could I have worded my feedback that way? Why didn’t I pause before commenting? What might the other group members think of me?
We all make mistakes.
We misread the moment—or speak out of turn.
We say something too bluntly—or not clearly enough.
We make a decision that lands poorly—or produces a negative impact.
What do we do when we realize our misstep? We may move on and hope that others forget. We may blame another person. Or we may quickly pivot before others detect the issue. Honestly, after my response, I considered ignoring it and hoping that my comments would soon be forgotten.
After all, apologizing is hard. It can feel uncomfortable, vulnerable, and awkward. And apologizing well is even more difficult.
Here’s the rub: when we don’t apologize and take accountability, we send one of several messages.
“I care more about my own comfort than about you or your experience.”
“I feel no need to take responsibility for the impact of my actions.”
“I’m not willing to learn from this situation.”
“I didn’t do anything wrong; if you have feelings, that’s about you, not me.”
None of those messages lands well. While moving on, blaming, or pivoting may feel initially protective, these actions risk damaging relationships, eroding trust, and weakening our work culture.
Conversely, when we apologize and take accountability, we can strengthen individual relationships, build trust on our teams, and ultimately increase psychological safety across our organization.
So, what should be included in a genuine and meaningful apology?
For smaller missteps:
- Own the mistake: Take responsibility for your actions and how those actions might have affected others.
- Describe your learnings: Share your new found insights with your conversation partner.
- Genuinely apologize for the misstep and the negative impact.
- Change your behavior: Act differently the next time.
For more significant or impactful missteps, add:
- Seek information: If you don’t already fully understand the impact of your actions, ask. Also ask what the other person needs to repair the relationship or the situation.
- Agree on next steps: Jointly decide how you will make things right.
- Follow through: Complete the repair actions, and check that it feels complete to both of you.
A note: apologizing shouldn’t be about shame, or blame, or diminishing yourself. It’s simply about owning your impact—even if your intent was good. It’s about sending the genuine message:
“I care about you.”
“I take responsibility for how my actions affected you.”
“I’m willing to learn how to be better.”
“I am committed to repairing the harm I caused.”
And yes, when my group reconvened later that day, I apologized for my raw comments. I explained that I should have asked for a few moments to consider and frame my thoughts in a helpful way before I responded. I asked about the impact. And I committed to taking that pause the next time.
Our team members and friends don’t expect us to never mess up.
They just want to know that we’ll own, address, and resolve our mistakes when we do.