Last week, a colleague started recounting a story about a challenging work situation. As he described the circumstances, the issue seemed so familiar to me. My mind swirled with possible causes, and I quickly formulated potential solutions. When I realized what I was doing, I promptly quieted my problem-solving tendency. I paused. I focused on listening deeply.
Have you ever caught yourself eagerly offering advice (or desperately wanting to do so) when someone shares a personal or professional struggle with you? It’s such a natural instinct. We want to jump in. We want to help. We want to fix it. We want to get to the solution.
But here’s the thing: most of the time, the person talking hasn’t asked for advice. They may not want to hear, “You should just…,” or “Have you tried…?”, or “I had a situation in which I…”
Instead, they need your presence. They need you to truly listen. They need you to hold space for them to process—and perhaps consider their own next steps. They need you to focus on them and their story, not on your experiences or your insights.
Many of us who are trained problem-solvers may find it particularly challenging to sit with someone who is struggling or feeling discomfort without jumping in and moving towards a solution.
And, if you can stay in that space, here’s what you provide to that person:
- Being deeply heard and understood.
- Space to reflect and to explore their thoughts and feelings.
- Time to focus on themselves and their own needs.
- Empowerment to figure out their next steps—when they are ready.
Even after my colleague finished his story, I still refrained from sharing any advice; after all, he hadn’t requested my counsel. Instead, I gently asked him several open-ended questions—questions that helped him process his situation, his personal reactions, and even how he might respond. He left with gratitude for the non-judgmental conversation and with a clear idea of where he was headed. And I left knowing that I had provided what he needed most in the moment.
The next time someone shares their story, instead of jumping to advice, try this: “That sounds really tough.” Or, “I’m here for you.” Or, “How is this impacting you?” Or simply, “Tell me more.”
Let’s put aside our impulse to solve others’ problems. Instead, let’s empower the story teller. Let’s focus on their needs. And let’s honor the simple, powerful act of listening.