A client recently shared that a colleague’s comments at work often make people uncomfortable. Most team members feel the same way and talk about it with each other.
I asked whether anyone has addressed it directly with the colleague.
My client’s eyes widened. He shook his head. “Absolutely not. That would be incredibly uncomfortable.”
That situation is more common than we might think. Many people at work hesitate to engage in direct conversations about others’ offensive behavior or comments. And while avoiding those discussions may feel easier in the moment, that pattern often leads to continued harm, gossip, and team divisions.
The person at the center of the concern may not realize the impact of what they’re saying. And they almost certainly don’t know that their colleagues are talking about them instead of with them.
So here’s a question I often invite teams to consider: What are the chances that someone will adjust their behavior if they don’t know how it’s landing at all, or if they don’t understand the full impact?
While we may assume that people should “just know” what’s appropriate, that’s not always the case, especially when someone genuinely believes they are acting with positive intent. I try to put myself in their shoes: if I were the one unintentionally making comments that didn’t land well, I would want the feedback directly so that I could reflect and change my behavior (and avoid the gossip)!
These conversations don’t need to be confrontational or blameful; that approach doesn’t go well for anyone. Instead, we can learn how to offer honest feedback with clarity and kindness. As a result, we will give people new information and an opportunity to course-correct. And, when team members consistently and effectively share (and receive!) feedback, we decrease harmful behavior, strengthen relationships, and contribute to a healthier, more transparent team culture.
Wondering how you and your team can develop skills around giving and receiving feedback in ways that are clear, respectful, and effective? Want to begin to feel more comfortable in those situations? I regularly support that process through workshops, facilitation, and coaching. Feel free to reach out; I’m happy to help!