“You are too direct.”
“You seem angry.”
“You’re not very approachable.”
“You are too emotional.”
Clients and peers tell me that they frequently hear these comments from their colleagues and managers. There’s a theme: the people who have told me about this feedback are all women and people of color.
The same behavior tends to be labeled differently depending on who exhibits it. Often, when women or people of color say something directly, they’re called aggressive. When they express confidence, they’re called arrogant. When they set boundaries, they’re called difficult.
Each time I hear another example, I wonder: Has the person giving feedback observed white or male colleagues exhibiting similar behavior? How did they interpret it then? And how did they respond?
We all interpret other people’s behavior through the lens of our own experiences, assumptions, and expectations. So, before we provide feedback, it’s important to pause and ask ourselves:
What specific behavior did I observe?
What was the actual impact of that behavior, and what assumptions might be shaping my reaction?
Would I provide the same feedback if a colleague of a different gender or race behaved the same way?
We may need to provide feedback, especially if someone’s behavior affects the work or the team. In order to be fair, we should separate what we observed from our interpretations of it. Doing so will help us apply the same standards to all our team members.