I recently facilitated a session about navigating grief around the holidays; I shared practical information about how to navigate plans, thoughts, emotions, connections, conversations, and self-care.
In our discussion, we spent significant time considering how to approach situations in which someone (e.g., a family member, manager, colleague) tries to help through words or behaviors, yet their actions instead cause harm; their intent doesn’t match the impact. I realized that I could have been in any number of spaces having this conversation, as this misalignment is pervasive across so many arenas, including grief, politics, family dynamics, and work situations.
I spend much of my time as a consultant, facilitator, and coach addressing how to maneuver through the waters of intent verses impact—for both the source and the recipient. What is striking is that preventing the mismatch from the start isn’t complicated or difficult; the source of the behavior, or the “helper,” can simply center the recipient in their interaction.
First, listen to understand. Truly listen to your family members, your direct reports, your neighbors, and your peers, and try to understand their stories, their perspectives, and their needs. Maintain a focus on the other person when they share their experiences and thoughts with you.
Be curious. When you don’t understand, or even when you think you do, ask questions about their perceptions and their needs, and check with them to ensure that you fully understand.
Offer supportive silence. While silence may feel unfamiliar (we tend to fill available air time), give space for simple, supportive presence. Being in space together is sometimes all that is wanted—and a quiet presence can be truly powerful.
Refrain from giving advice. So often, we either assume that our guidance might be helpful or that the other person wants our sage counsel. More likely, our direct report, family member, or colleague is looking for a listening ear and someone who will ultimately support and empower them to make decisions that are right for them.
So, when you are in the presence of someone who is navigating something challenging, whether it’s a work situation, their relationship to you, a life change, or grief, remember to center them—through listening deeply, asking open-ended questions, offering a supportive space, and focusing on their needs.