Over the past few weeks, a number of team members have become tearful when sharing their challenging work experiences. As their eyes began to water, each apologized: “I’m so sorry I’m crying; I was trying to avoid that.”
My question: Why do people apologize when they shed tears at work?
We may have been taught that crying shows weakness, and we want to avoid appearing weak, especially in a professional setting. We may worry that we will be viewed as unprofessional—or that others will judge us for showing emotions. We may seek to avoid reinforcing any stereotypes related to gender, sexual orientation, ethnicity, or other identities. We may believe that in order to be seen as competent, we need to handle adversity without any emotional reactions. And for managers, we may worry that our direct reports will view us as less capable of being a leader.
Let’s consider another perspective. We are all human, and crying emotional tears is uniquely human. When we show these emotions, we are showing our humanity. We are letting colleagues know that we, like other humans, are vulnerable, that we have feelings, that emotions are a natural part of life, and that it’s ok to be authentic at work. And more than just showing our human-ness, crying can help us relieve stress and pain, signal that we need comforting (which fosters support), and/or indicate that something is bothering us more than we realize. Crying can also help us avoid emotional build ups that may otherwise exacerbate stress, worsen health, and/or show up in unproductive behavior.
So the next time you try to avoid crying, or when you witness a colleague crying, consider: Do you want to work with colleagues and managers who avoid emotional tears at all costs and who expect everyone to suppress their feelings? Or, do you prefer to work with people who care about you and your well-being and who welcome you for all of you—for all your human-ness, including your need to process, release stress, and ask for support?
Please know that if you ever need to process a challenging situation, and you think you might cry, my door is always open—with no apologies needed.