“They are having trouble agreeing on next steps. I’d like you to mediate a quick conversation with them to resolve it.”
I hear similar requests regularly. And almost every time, the real issue runs much deeper than “agreeing on next steps.”
I understand the impulse to solve issues quickly. Conflict can feel uncomfortable. It disrupts the team and distracts from the work, and most people prefer to avoid the resulting tension. So, we often search for the quickest path through: a hallway chat, a single meeting, or a band-aid that ultimately doesn’t stick.
And yet, complex issues, especially those involving trust, rarely resolve in a single conversation. What looks like a disagreement about one specific issue is often deeply layered with unspoken assumptions, eroded trust, misread intentions, and accumulated frustrations.
This past week, before bringing two leaders together to resolve an issue, I started by meeting individually with each person to establish a rapport, lay the groundwork for the process, build enough safety for honest conversation, and spark curiosity about the other’s perspective. Both mistrusted the other’s intentions. Both made assumptions about the other’s behaviors. Both were frustrated by how the other communicated. And yet, they wanted the same things: to be heard and understood, to work better together, and to move the work forward.
When we then met together, we named what was really happening, explored the impact of each person’s behavior on the other, and identified what they each needed to move forward as a team.
They are in a much better space now. The shift didn’t happen overnight, and it didn’t happen in a single joint conversation. Instead, through a restorative approach, they engaged in a process grounded in deep listening, respect, honest dialogue, and accountability. And they left with tools and practices they can draw on long after the end of our work together.
Real resolution takes time. It asks us to resist the pull toward the quick and tidy answer. To stay curious about what’s underneath. To slow down enough to understand the whole picture, including the history, the assumptions, and the unmet needs. And then to engage in the deeper conversations to repair, restore, and rebuild.