This past weekend, I tried to buy a sofa.
As soon as I walked into the store, an associate approached me and asked what I was looking for. I described what I needed. She seemed eager to assist but kept showing me options that didn’t fit—even after I reiterated what I wanted.
I suggested I look around the showroom and find her if I had questions. Yet she stayed beside me, asking for my reaction every time I paused at a sofa or sat down to try it.
I left without buying anything.
It struck me that what happened extends far beyond buying furniture.
While she seemed to hear my words, she didn’t change her approach. And, rather than creating the conditions for me to explore on my own, she tried to direct every step of the process, as if more involvement would lead to a sale.
Ironically, the more she tried to influence my decision, the less I wanted her to help me make it.
Leaders do this often. To help move things along, we answer before understanding, offer advice before asking questions, and solve before diagnosing the real issue. Then, because we are so focused on a specific result, we leave little room for people to explore, develop, or learn through their mistakes.
Yet leadership is about listening to understand and then being willing to change how we respond. It’s also about resisting the urge to steer every step and instead creating the conditions for people to think, discover, and grow.
Whether we are trying to make a sale, coach an employee, or build trust with a colleague, we need to recognize that people rarely thrive when they feel controlled. They thrive when they feel understood and trusted.