“I can’t believe you are doing that to me.”
That was the VP’s first response when a 25-year employee approached him with a difficult, carefully considered request.
She had been working long hours and was hoping to find more balance. She requested permission to step back from one of her many leadership roles, one she felt she wasn’t serving well given the other demands on her time. And she hoped to focus her energy on a few high-priority company projects.
The VP continued:
“Do you know how hard it is to find good leaders?”
“I’ve already had to replace 3 other leaders this year; it’s been intense for me!”
And then, “You’ve got me thinking; maybe I should think about rebalancing my own responsibilities.”
In an instant, the conversation had shifted from her needs and concerns to his. It’s a natural reflex. When a team member shares news that will increase your workload, it’s easy to feel surprise and frustration and to focus on how it affects you.
And yet, when we lead from that initial reaction, we make our employee’s vulnerable moment about us. In doing so, we risk losing their trust, their willingness to speak openly in the future, and ultimately their commitment to the organization.
In those moments, we have another choice.
We can pause before responding.
We can listen and reflect back what our team member just shared.
We can seek to understand what’s driving the request.
We can offer support that makes them feel valued, not guilty.
And we can commit to exploring next steps together.
When someone brings us difficult news, they’re taking a risk. They’re exploring whether it’s safe to be honest. Our job is to protect that trust in the moment.
After the conversation? Vent to a colleague. Process with a trusted advisor. Talk to your coach. After all, leaders need outlets, too, and making sure you have them is part of attending to your own well-being—which then helps you show up at your best for your team.
The leaders who retain their best people are the ones who can hold space for someone else’s story without making it about themselves—and who then find healthy ways to process their own reactions afterward.